I am going to express this truth directly. The narcissist and the victim of narcissistic abuse are one and the same. It is so, as all other opposites are of […]
I am going to express this truth directly. The narcissist and the victim of narcissistic abuse are one and the same. It is so, as all other opposites are of one in the same, two sides of the same coin, one single continuity. It is always through the lens of mind that the unity gets distorted into the separation. That is the law of the universe. One cannot exist without the other. Both need each other to feed from. Both feel the disease of each other. The good news is that when they recognize it, the consciousness can become whole.
But it is so challenging to convince a consciousness, that is absorbed in the external world projection, that physical actions and mental conceptions are not real, but are created through consciousness itself. You are consciousness, that is who you are. But when consciousness is obscured in the projections of mind and ego, what you are becomes confused and distorted. You are no longer conscious of the truth of your non-dual being. Instead, you become an observer of a world that you subconsciously project, a world that is in no way cohesive as a whole but shows up in its myriad of dualistic and so antagonistic forms. Whatever problems our consciousness gets focused on, we become addicted to solving by either one of two possible paths, or a mixture of both. One is the path of narcissism, and one is the path of victimization.
The path of the narcissist begins in anger, bitterness, and a sense of entitlement. The narcissist always chooses ego, because ego is the only thing that can offer him that sense of entitlement, self-importance, and, most importantly, hope. The entitlement actually derives from the natural divinity of the Self but has become distorted through interaction with the world. The ego offers the consciousness power, fame, money, attention, and love. This is the true meaning of dealing with the devil and it is a devil that banks on the depths of the individual’s pain and bitterness, from the abuse that they received, usually from a parent. The narcissist is a victim that fears being a victim any longer and so will take any form of strength it can get, no matter how harmful or artificial, no matter if it is a deal that costs him his life. The ego chooses domination and what would appear to be cruelty to others, because some go so far as to lose even their desire for love, in order to avoid the pain of thinking they lost it in the first place. So, like all evils, they take an approach to life that serves only their interests and no others, and only sees others as a means to feeding the ego that promises the world.
The path of the victim is the one that experiences the narcissism in many forms and many ways. It is helpless to control the world in this state and feels as powerful as the sea itself. The victim is forever afraid to swim and reaches the point of not even wanting to swim. And yet, the victim is lonely and seeks companionship, both for love and both for survival. The victim therefore feels that they must accept narcissism as part of the package. Either they learn to love a narcissist, or they merge into one, becoming one themselves. The narcissist cannot escape the victim that it needs, for this victimhood, and the fear of it, propels them into the world that is their savior, the demon that promises them someday love-power-success in exchange for their devotion. The narcissist also feels that it must retain some kind of semblance of kindness and considerations of others, and so it needs the victim in order to generate compassion from others, which it in turn feeds off of. The victim feeds the narcissist with acts of love, kindness and flattery, and the narcissist thrives off of this. The two are eternally wedded. The degree of abuse and conscious pain varies from relationship to relationship.
All of these relationships teach us about ourselves. When we choose to no longer suffer the insanity of this connection, is the moment when we begin to go within, to see what is going within who we are the propels us into such insane suffering.
As we approach non-dualistic consciousness, we begin to sense that these two tendencies, narcissism and victimhood, are both merged into ourselves and are projected out into the public discourse as separate. When you love a narcissist, you let them consume what you offer, and you allow them to consume what they need from you. The separation of victim and narcissism is an illusion. This is why narcissistic abuse, a concept that has become very popular, cannot be healed until you recognize the narcissist within, the one that the victim is hiding, for whatever reason, the one that the victim secretly loves, and wants to be with no matter what. You begin to see that you are victimizing yourself. The victim is also disgusted with this, and so is the narcissist within them. The narcissist rejects the victim, despises it actually, and so the love-hate, runner-chaser, pattern persists, inside the relationship between others, soul mates, twin flames, families, and friends. But more importantly, you are tearing yourself to shreds, as you both love and despise yourself, sometimes projecting the best of you to the world, to hide the dark shame within. Other times, the truth shows itself, the bitterness, the sense of loss, the frustration, the resentment.
The only way to resolve this tangled web is to work on strengthening the inner consciousness, to find a pathway to non-dual awareness. The non-dual awareness easily sees the distortion of the dual world, and in this distortion, finds the music too ugly to bear. In that consciousness, the narcissist is healed, and the victim is no longer. They literally cease to exist, because they are simply one human struggling to find themselves in a world full of illusion that is hell bent on making sure that no one finds their way into love and peace. There are many philosophies and ideas that practice the focus of non-duality. But reading books. doing meditation, participating in ceremonies, or praying to gods and goddesses, will not lead us to back to love, back to wholeness. These practices may guide us to embodiment, but we must be devoted to that embodiment, to that desire to let go of the war and the egoic delusion of separation. No one can do this for us. Only you.